To my gorgeous friend if you think you can’t x

A little letter from me to you

To my gorgeous friend if you think you can’t

 Now I’d never pretend I know what you were thinking because you, my gorgeous friend, can only know. But sometimes I get the feeling deep down you think you can’t - begin your Next Chapter or carry on because it’s not going as you’d like. So, I just want to let you know this.

 The biggest lesson I’ve learned from all my Next Chapter interviews is what sets those part from the ones who do and the ones who don’t is the ability to carry on when nobody is watching.

 The shiny glamour of social media, praise, awards, rewards – you name it, that’s not where the real work is done. The work, I’ve learned, is the carrying on when we feel alone, unseen and on the verge of giving up.

 And just in case you are thinking she’s not talking about me, I’ve never done that - I absolutely am.

 Even as a child you were doing it – when you went to school and didn’t know if you’d ever belong. When you’d turn up, smile and pretend to be okay, but deep-down you wanted to be anywhere than there. When you were older and went away from home for the first time, either to begin the new job or go to university – when you felt nauseous of the idea of walking into a room where you didn’t know a soul, you were brave and did it, even though your insides were screaming no.

 When all your friends were finding love, but you weren’t, you’d smile and listen when deep-down you were thinking, but what about me? You’d feel guilty for even thinking a thought, you must be a really bad friend too on top of everything else. But you were only being human and you still smiled. You even danced at all the weddings, ignoring your own loneliness when there was no plus-one by your side.   

 Then when the time came when they started to have children, and the questions came flying at you – you nodded, smiled, maybe even made a little joke, but inside you were breaking and wanted to say – this has nothing to do with you.

 If you did have children, the ache that came when you had to say goodbye – at the school gates. You’d wave and smile – you were the one who had to be brave. But your insides were quietly breaking in two, nobody saw you take the deep breath and you forced yourself to walk away, carrying the gnawing ache inside.

 When someone you loved so much hurt you, when someone you loved so much was hurt by someone else. The sense of helplessness you feel when none of it makes sense and you wonder why does life have to be so cruel?

 When you watch someone you love fade away. When you find yourself sitting in corridors you never knew were there. When you heard news that was so bad you thought it was some kind of awful joke. When the person who looked after you the most is one day no longer there.

 You went through this when nobody was watching. You stayed kind and thoughtful instead of letting your heart become closed. You put one foot in front of the other when you thought you were too exhausted to carry on. You kept smiling when you wanted to cry.

 So my gorgeous friend if you ever have a moment when you think you can’t begin a Next Chapter, I absolutely know this not to be true.

How can I be sure of this you might ask now?

Because you my gorgeous friend, are you.

x